Fine Again
by SuperJew277
Summary: When someone from Tree Hill takes their own life, everyone else is left to deal with the after effects of that person's actions.
1. Authors Note

**I wanted to put an author's note at the beginning of this story, because there are some warnings and some other things that I needed to say first. **

**To start off, I am going to warn you that this story is very dark. It starts off with someone's thoughts right before they take their life, and I tried to capture as much emotion as I could. If you are somewhat confused by the thought process, that is ok; I wrote it like that on purpose to show how emotions can be incredibly confusing when thinking about taking such drastic measures. Later chapters will show how everyone reacts to the death of a friend. This story just came to me the other night, and I really wanted to try and write what could be going through someone's head as they contemplate taking their own life, and how the people around them feel in the aftermath. It's emotional and vivid, so please, if you can't handle that, don't read. **

**Most importantly, I want to say that suicide is _NOT_ the answer. I myself have dealt with thoughts of it, and I know that it is a very hard place to be. This story is in no way glorifying taking your own life, and you will see the negative effects take place in later chapters. I was very hesitant to post this after I saw how it turned out, because I don't want people to think that it is ok in any way. If you struggle with thoughts of depression or suicide, _please_ talk to someone. I have never personally lost someone to suicide, so my portrayal of it might not be completely accurate. I hope that I do not offend anyone with this story.**

**Like I said before, suicide is not the answer. If you struggle with thoughts of suicide, talk to someone.**

**Rachel**


	2. Fine Again

I've always been scared of being alone. Being alone means that I have no one to turn to but myself; myself being someone that I don't even know anymore.

I never thought that things would get so complicated, but looking at everything around me right now, I don't even remember what simple means.

Jake is gone. As much as I would love to think that he will find Jenny and come home to be with me again, in the back of my mind I know that when we said good-bye it really was good-bye. I can't help thinking that it is my fault that he is in the situation he is in. If I had never tried to trick Nikki into thinking Jake went to Seattle, Jake wouldn't have missed that first custody hearing, and he would have won custody for Jenny. If he had won, he wouldn't have had to send Jenny away and take the fall for keeping her away from Nikki. He would have never gone to jail, and Jenny would have never been put in harms way.

Thinking about Jake makes me think about something that Alfred, Lord Tennyson once wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." When I really think about it, it only leaves me confused. I'm not sure I agreecompletely with what Tennyson wrote, and it breaking it down didn't help. If I choose never having loved at all as more of a tragedy, I would have nothing to base it on. I mean, if I have never loved, how would I know that it is more tragic than losing love? Never having love, something that is so amazing, would be a tragedy in itself. At the same time, feeling love and then having it torn away from you is almost unbearable. Knowing something so wonderful and beautiful, just to find yourself alone in the end seems so much more painful to me than never having felt love.

Either way, it doesn't matter now. All that matters is that Jake is gone, and my heart is left torn apart.

The one constant in my life is gone also. There was never a point when I had to worry about her not being there, because no matter what, she always was. Now Brooke is so far away, and I'm left here to pick up the pieces of my life alone.

There's that word again: alone.

Brooke has been my best friend for so many years, and my only true friend through most of that time. It's scary to think of her not being here with me, and not knowing when, or if, she'll be back. When we had to say good-bye, I just couldn't do it. With Jake saying good-bye brought a sense of closure, which I needed, but with Brooke, it was different. I don't want closure with her. Seeing Brooke leave felt like a part of my life was being ripped away, and saying good-bye would have made her being gone official. That last hug that we shared in Lucas' room was the best way we could have parted. I know that if I never see Brooke again, there was no better way to let her go. I know that the bond we share goes deeper than anything I have ever had with anyone else, and I know no matter what, Brooke will always have a major piece of my heart.

Nathan and Haley are a ruined fairytale because of me. Their love was a love so rare, something so pure and beautiful, a love that should have lasted forever and longer. Because of me, Chris Keller was able to come in-between them. I can't help but think that if I had gone into any record store but Chris' that everything would be ok. Instead, Haley is in New York chasing her dreams, and Nathan is left to clean up the aftermath of what Haley left. I wish that I could go back and change it, making sure that Chris stayed away, but I can't. Nathan is finally starting to rise from the ashes, and I wish that I could be that strong also.

Lucas is the only one left in Tree Hill this summer besides me. I used to have such an emotional connection with him, but now I can't even look at him without a part of me wanting to scream. I'm not sure that there is a way for me to avoid him this summer, because he's left alone here too. I know that in some ways he feels exactly like I do, and I wish that knowing I'm not completely alone would make me feel different than I do, but for some reason it doesn't make me feel any better. Lucas and I have just started talking again after the whole mess between him, Brooke, and me, and although he is trying to be there for me, I can't seem to let down the wall I have built up towards him.

I sigh as I think how burdened my heart has become. I know that I shouldn't be thinking like this, that I should be stronger, but I can't. I'm not sure how much more I can take without breaking completely.

I've always said that people who take their own lives are cowards, but now I realize why they do it. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ok again, and thinking about where life goes from here scares me more than I want to admit.

Making my decision, I reach over onto my nightstand and pick up my notepad and my drawing pad; there are two things that I have to do before I go any further in my plans.

A couple hours later, as I complete what I set out to do, I make sure that everything is left in the open where it can be easily found. A drop of water falls onto the paper, and I reach up to find that tears are pouring down my cheeks.

Taking a deep breath, I get off my bed to put a CD in the player. I find the song that has been running through my head all day, and I sit back on my bed as the song plays out.

As the song nears its end, I take another deep breath and reach onto my nightstand one last time, picking up the thing that will take away all the pain.

"I'm sorry." I whisper into my empty room, my empty life, as I close my eyes and press the blade into my skin.

I open my eyes to see the red stain that is beginning to cover my bed, and I am amazed that I feel nothing; I think that I am too numb to care.

My body is starting to get weak. For the first time, I do feel; I can feel the life drain out of me. For the first time in a long time, I feel a peace wash over me.

As my eyes start to get heavy, I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I had been stronger; strong enough to get out of this pit of depression.

I hope that people forgive me for the choice I made. I hope they know that it's no ones fault that I chose this way out.

When my breathing starts becoming shallow, I look up to my sketches for the last time ever. One catches my attention: 'People Always Leave'. Never again will someone leave me, because this time, I'll be the one gone. I won't ever have to think about Mom being gone, or Jake, or Brooke; I know that I will eventually see them on the other side.

Taking one last breath, my mind clears, my body goes numb, and I'm finally at rest.

_I am aware now of how  
Everything's gonna be fine one day  
Too late, I'm in hell  
I am prepared now  
Seems everyone's gonna be fine  
One day too late, just as well  
I am prepared now,  
Seems everything's gonna be fine for me  
For me; for myself.  
For me, for me, for myself  
For me, for me, for myself  
I am prepared now for myself  
I am prepared now, and I am fine again_

* * *

**Song in italics is "Fine Again" by Seether**


	3. Why?

**_LUCAS' P.O.V_**.

I slowly began to wake up from a ray of sunlight in my eye, upset that I was brought out of sleep. After everything that happened yesterday, sleep was the only place I could get away from my thoughts.

Brooke left yesterday. I told her how I felt, and she left.

My eyes drifted to the door that she walked out of, and I sighed as I threw the covers off me. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I put my head in my hands as I thought of the last smile Brooke gave me. She's gone now, and I wonder if telling her how I feel about her was the best thing for me to do. Was it fair to either of us? With the way I feel now, I think that I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I looked up at the clock, and realized that it was only 8:30. I had only slept for three and a half hours last night. No wonder I still feel exhausted.

Peyton and I had stayed on the beach until five in the morning, just sitting there watching the waves crash onto the shore. We didn't talk much after we had filled each other in on everything that had been going on, but that was ok. I think that we were both just content knowing that there was someone else there as everyone spread out to do their own thing this summer.

Tired of sitting on my bed doing nothing but sulking, I got up and got ready for the day.

* * *

Once I had showered and dressed, I sat at the kitchen table to eat the bowl of cereal that I had poured myself. I look down at the so-called breakfast, and sighed as I thought of all the homemade breakfasts Mom made. 

Abandoning my cereal, I stood up and walked outside, trying to decide what to do for the day. Deciding to see Peyton first, I started walking in the direction of her house.

Peyton didn't seem to be doing that good last night when we left the beach. She was withdrawn and depressed, and as much as she tried to act like she was ok, I know she wasn't. She hardly said two words to me all night, and she seemed like she wanted to leave the whole time we were there. I think the fact that she didn't want to be alone kept her there with me.

* * *

A little while later, I reached Peyton's house. I stood there looking up at it for a while, deciding what to say to Peyton when I saw her. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the door and knocked. 

I waited for an answer that never came, and I furrowed my brow as I wondered where she might be so early in the morning. Looking around the house, I noticed that her car was still in the driveway. Turning back to the door, I knocked once more.

"Peyton? You home?" I called out

When I still received no answer, I tried the door to find it unlocked. Slowly walking into the house, I wondered why Peyton didn't answer the door. Then I realized that she was probably either still sleeping, or that her music was too loud for her to hear the door.

When I reached Peyton's room, I found the door closed. This surprised me, because Peyton never closes her door. She's not the most modest person ever, so I don't know why she now decided to have some privacy.

I knocked on the door, and waited a couple minutes for Peyton to answer. When she didn't open the door, my heart started to race with worry.

"Peyton? Are you in there? Are you ok?" I said loudly to the closed door. When I still receive no answer, I put my hand on the doorknob. "Peyton, I'm coming in."

I opened the door and poked my head around to look into her room. My eyes landed on Peyton who was lying on her bed, and I let out the breath that I hadn't realized I had been holding.

"Peyton, what are you…" My words trialed off when I noticed a deep red stain on the bedspread. "Oh God."

I ran into the room and over to Peyton's bed, and I took Peyton into my arms. Noticing how pale she was, and the bluish tint to her lips, I choked back a sob. I looked down to see the gash in her arm, and the pool of blood that she had been laying in.

"Peyton! Peyton wake up!" I screamed, gently shaking her. When she didn't respond, I could feel my head starting to spin.

Holding onto my friend's lifeless body for a moment, wishing that this was a dream, the tears started to pour down my cheeks. I reached over to her uninjured wrist and felt for a pulse. When I didn't find a pulse, my worst fears were confirmed.

Setting Peyton back onto the bed, I got up and went over to her desk. Picking up the phone, I dialed 911.

"911, what is your emergency?" The dispatcher asked

"My friend." I cleared my throat so that I could speak clearly. "She slit her wrist."

"What is the address, sir? I'm sending an emergency team out right away." The dispatcher responded quickly

"It's umm…she's, uh…she's dead." I brought my eyes to Peyton again, and I put a hand over my mouth to silence my sobs

"Are you positive?"

"Yes." I whispered. "There was no pulse."

After giving the dispatcher Peyton's address and the details of what I found, I set the phone down slowly.

Peyton's dead. Oh my God.

As realization hit me, I ran into the bathroom where I began to vomit. When I had thrown up everything that was possible to throw up, I turned around and sat on the bathroom floor. Wiping my mouth, I put my head in my hands and cried as I waited for the police and the emergency crew to arrive.

* * *

After the emergency crews had swarmed Peyton's house and did everything that they needed to do, I left Peyton's house in a daze. They had officially pronounced Peyton dead. I was over there for most of the day as I talked to police officer after police officer about how I had found Peyton's body. 

Collapsing at the dining room table as I walked through the door to my house, I began to cry once again.

Why did she do it? What was so horrible that she felt she had to take her own life?

There are so many things that I have to do now before I can let myself break down completely. They've already contacted Mr. Sawyer, but I'm the one who is going to have to tell all of our friends. I don't want Mr. Sawyer to have to do that.

Oh God. How am I supposed to tell Jake that the woman that he loves is gone? And Brooke; her best friend is dead. This is going to be the hardest part of it all.

I sat up and reached out for the phone. Looking at my outstretched hand, I realized that Peyton's blood was all over me.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to control myself. Deciding who I needed to talk to first, I dialed a number.

"Hello?" Karen answered

"Mom." I stifled a sob

"Lucas. What happened? Are you ok?" Karen asked, immediately concerned with how her only son was acting

"It's Peyton. She killed herself." I said, not even trying to put it in better words

Karen was silent for a moment, and then she took a deep breath. "I'll be right home." She said with tears in her voice

"Ok." I said, my voice barley above a whisper

I hung up the phone and stood up to wash my hands. I watched as the water turned pink and Peyton's blood disappeared from my hands. I let the water wash over them for a long time, dreading what I had to do next.

Turning the water off, I dried my hands and picked up the phone again.

"Hello?" Jake answered

"Jake, its Lucas. Look man, you need to come home."

"Luke, I would love to, believe me, but Nikki has Jenny, and-"

"It's about Peyton." I interrupted softly

Jake was silent for a moment.

"What happened?" Jake asked slowly

"You just need to get here Jake; as soon as you can." I said, not wanting to tell Jake that Peyton was gone over the phone

"I'll be right there." Jake said, determined, as he hung up the phone

I hit the disconnect button only to dial another number.

"Hello?" An irritated voice answered

"Nathan, its Lucas."

"Look man, now is not a good time." Nathan snapped

"I need you to put away your hatred towards me right now, and come to my house." I said quickly before Nathan could hang up

"I can't do that. Haley's here, and-"

"Haley?" I said, surprised to hear that she was back. My heart broke a little more as I thought of my best friend who had to come back to this.

"Yes. Now if you'd excuse me."

"Wait!" I yelled desperately. "Really Nathan, I need you to come over. And have Haley come with you. I know that things are bad between us right now, and with you and Haley, and I wouldn't be asking unless it was extremely important." I said, trying to fight the tears that were threatening to come again

Nathan was silent for a moment as he thought. "Alright man." Nathan finally agreed, picking up on his brother's seriousness

"Thanks." I said as I hung up the phone.

* * *

I sat at my dining room table until I heard a knock on the door. I got up and walked to the front of the house, and I braced myself before I had to face anyone. 

Opening the door, my eyes misted over when I saw Nathan and Haley before me. Nathan looked royally pissed off, and Haley looked like she had already been crying.

"Lucas." Haley said with a small smile as she leaned up to hug me

"Hey Hales." I said softly as I hugged her back

"What's this about Luke?" Nathan asked

I released Haley and stepped back. "Come inside."

"Lucas! You're bleeding!" Haley said as she looked down at my sweatshirt

I took a deep breath. "Come inside." I repeated in a whisper and turned around to sit in the living room

Nathan and Haley exchanged a look and followed me inside. When we had settled into the living room, Nathan was the first to speak.

"Lucas, what the hell is going on?" Nathan asked, his brow furrowed with worry

"There's something that I need to tell you, and no matter how I say it, it's not going to be easy to hear." I started out

"What is it?" Haley asked

"At some point last night, Peyton took her life." I said

"What?" Haley choked out, immediately beginning to sob

"Peyton's dead?" Nathan asked, a blank expression on his face

"Yeah." I answered

The three of us sat there for a while. Nathan was staring off into space, Haley was trying to control her sobs, and I was dreading what I had to do next; call Brooke.

"Why?" Nathan asked softly, breaking the silence

I shook my head. "I don't know."

"I can't believe that she's gone." Haley said. "This is unreal."

Nathan looked at his wife, and felt compassion. "Hales." He said softly, earning a surprised look from Haley

"Nathan?" Haley said hesitantly

"Come here." Nathan said, opening his arms to welcome his wife

Haley started to cry once again as she collapsed into her husbands arms. "Oh God Nathan. This can't be happening."

"Shh. It's ok Haley." Nathan said soothingly into Haley's hair

My heart began to ache at the sight of my brother and best friend in each other's arms. They had so much to deal with already, and now they had to add the death of a close friend on top of that.

"Have you called Jake? And Brooke?" Nathan asked me over Haley's head

"I called Jake. He's on his way back to Tree Hill. I couldn't tell him over the phone that Peyton was gone." I drew in a ragged breath. "I haven't talked to Brooke yet. I don't even know what to say to her."

"Why?" Haley suddenly asked. "Why did she do it?" Hurt and maybe even a little bit of anger showed through in her voice

"I don't know." I said, all of a sudden feeling very tired

Nathan, noticing this, cleared his throat. "Come on Haley. We should let Lucas rest. He's had a rough morning."

Haley nodded. "Ok." She sniffled

I walked them to the door, and Haley turned to me and threw her arms around my neck. Smiling slightly, I closed my eyes as I kissed her hair. She pulled away with a small smile, and started to walk down the walkway.

"Luke-"

I held up a hand to silence Nathan. "It's ok man. Take care of Haley."

In a surprising gesture, Nathan gave me a tight hug.

"Call me if you need me." Nathan whispered sadly

I nodded my head at my little brother, and gave him a small smile.

Closing the door after Nathan and Haley left, I walked into my room and collapsed on my bed. Before I could even try to sleep, I had one more thing to do.

Call Brooke.

* * *

**First of all, thank you to everyone who reviewed! It means a lot that you all liked my story so far. I hope that in some way I can catch the emotions of everyone as real as possible. I'm not very good at writing in first person, so please forgive me. At some point, I might switch to third person, but I'm not sure yet. **

**This chapter was really hard to write, and I have a feeling the other chapters will be difficult also. So please bear with me if I dont update for a while. I hope that this chapter was ok, and that in some way the emotions were realistic. I know that this is an extremely hard subject to talk about, and I hope that I am not offending anyone in any way. **

**Please let me know what you guys think, that way I know if there is anything that I need to change. Thanks again for reading my story : )**


	4. This Can't Be Real

_**BROOKE'S P.O.V.**_

There's something about the beach that's peaceful; you just seem to forget about all the bad. That's on a good day though, and today is too weird to be peaceful.

So there I was, sitting on the beach, completely lost in thought.

Lucas wants to be with me. That's something that I never thought I would hear from him. I just don't understand why he had to pick the worst time to tell me.

When he kissed me, everything around me stopped. It felt like time stood still for that instant. Then reality came crashing back, and with that came all of the confusion. I didn't know what to do, or what to say for that matter. I said good-bye, and walked out of the door even though my heart was screaming for me to say the one thing that I have wanted to say for so long:

I love Lucas Scott.

Even with how things ended for us the first time we tried to be together, I love him. I wish that there would have been more time for me in Tree Hill so that things could have been sorted out, but there wasn't.

There wasn't enough time for Lucas, and there wasn't enough time for anything else. It's sad that Lucas, Nathan, Peyton, and I couldn't spend more time together. We became a tight little group over the past few weeks. Things that forced up to grow up brought us even closer together. We began to rely on each other, and that formed a connection that I hope lasts forever. We've grown up so much since we first met, and in that we've seen a lot of heartache. We've loved and lost and loved again. We've lost pieces of ourselves, yet gained so much at the same time. Although we lost Haley and Jake somewhere along the way, it only brought us closer.

Look at me being all insightful.

I smiled to myself as I looked out over the water. The wind blowing in my hair and smell of salt water all around sent shivers down my spine as I realized that although I miss Tree Hill, maybe the summer wouldn't be so bad in California.

My cell phone began to ring beside me, breaking me out of my thoughts of a good summer. Glancing down to see who it was, I let out a sigh as Lucas' name showed on the caller ID. Deciding that I would rather just be left alone, especially from Lucas, I sent the call to my voicemail and set the phone back onto my towel.

Seconds after I set it down, the phone began to ring again. Picking the phone up, I realize that it's Lucas again. Deciding that I might as well talk to him and get it over with, I answered.

"Hello?" I answered softly

"Hey Brooke." Lucas answered somberly

Something's up. I can sense it in his voice.

"Lucas, what's wrong?" I asked hesitantly

"I know you just got to California, but I need you to come back to Tree Hill."

"I can't do that." I said, even though everything in me now wants to go home

"If it's about money, I'll buy your plane ticket home. You need to come home Brooke."

"Lucas, look; I understand that the way we left things was awkward, but I cannot come home because of that."

"This isn't about us." Lucas sighed heavily. "Please Brooke, I'm begging you."

Panic hit me as I realize something is wrong; really wrong.

"Lucas, you're scaring me." I said shakily

"Catch the next flight you can, and call me when you find out what time you'll be here."

I nodded and then realized that Lucas couldn't see me.

"Ok." I whispered and hung up the phone

I stood up quickly and gathered my things before running to my car. Driving as fast as I dared, I got to my house and realized that I was there alone; again.

Shaking my head as I realized that my parent's left without even bothering to tell me, I ran to my bedroom and got onto the internet to try and find a plane ticket back to Tree Hill. I finally found one that left the next morning at 11, so I booked the flight and sat back in my chair.

I can't believe that I am flying home without knowing anything that is going on. Why does Lucas need me home so bad if it isn't about me and him? What is it that is so bad that he can't tell me over the phone.

Reaching into my bag and pulling out my phone, I decided to call Peyton to see what was going on.

"You've reached Peyton Sawyer. I'm sorry I couldn't get to the phone, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Voicemail.

"Peyton, it's me. I was just calling to see what was going on in Tree Hill. Lucas called me and said that I needed to come home for some reason, so I was just seeing if you knew what was up. I'll be home tomorrow for a while, so if I don't hear from you before that, I'll see you when I get there. I love you Pey, and I miss you like crazy."

I hung up and tapped my fingers on the desk in frustration. I dialed Lucas' number to let him know about my flight plans.

"Hello?" Lucas answered immediately

"My flight gets in tomorrow at 3." I said. "This better be good Lucas; that ticket wasn't cheap."

"How long are you going to be here for?"

"I just bought it one way. I didn't know how long you needed me for." I snapped

I don't know why I'm being so bitchy. Maybe because Lucas won't tell me anything, Peyton won't answer her phone, and I hate being left in the dark.

"I'll be there at 3 to pick you up." Lucas said and hung up

I looked at my phone in shock. He hung up on me! You know what, whatever. I'll find out what's up his ass when I get home.

Standing up, I began to throw my clothes back into my suitcase that I had just unpacked a few hours before.

* * *

**_THE NEXT DAY_**

The horrible feeling in my gut wouldn't go away the entire flight home, and I knew that something bad had happened in Tree Hill. Before I had left my house, I had called Peyton again, but once again she didn't answer. Knowing her, she was probably still sleeping when I tried to call.

Glad when my plane finally landed, I sighed as I stepped off the plane and braced myself for whatever it was that brought me back to Tree Hill two days after I had left.

The first thing that my eyes landed on made my breath catch in my throat; Lucas.

"Hi." I said softly as I walked up to him

"Brooke." Lucas said softly and wrapped his arms around me

I closed my eyes as I breathed in his scent, and smiled a little as I pulled away. "Ok Lucas. What the hell is going on?"

"Not here. Come on, let's get your bags and I'll take you to the house." Lucas said as he began walking

Dammit. The horrible feeling is just getting worse as time passes. Especially with the cryptic talk Lucas likes so much.

We rode to Lucas' house in complete silence. I kept stealing glances at Lucas, but he never once took his eyes off the road ahead. That kind of creeped me out a little.

When we got to the house, Lucas grabbed my suitcase out of the car and led me to what was my bedroom only a couple days before. I closed my eyes as the memories came rushing back.

"How was your flight?" Lucas asked softly

I looked at him, and for some reason I could sense dread coming off of him in waves.

"It was fine. Lucas, I came all the way from California not knowing a single detail of anything. What the hell is going on!" I blurted out

"You might want to sit down." Lucas said and sat on the bed

I sat next to him, the uneasiness in my stomach making me sick.

"Something happened Brooke, something that you needed to be here to hear about." Lucas said, not making eye contact

"Lucas, tell me." I said, not wanting to know what he had to tell me

"Peyton, umm…Peyton slit her wrist last night." Lucas said slowly, making eye contact for the first time

"What?" I stood up immediately. "We have to get to the hospital! I have to see her!"

"Brooke." Lucas said simply, heartbroken

I turned to face Lucas and immediately knew what he was going to say before he said it. In some fucked up way, I stillneeded to hear it said out loud.

"What?" I asked, not much above a whisper

"Peyton's dead, Brooke. I am so sorry."

Peyton is dead. My best friend is gone. Oh Peyton.

"No." I said suddenly. "No. This isn't happening."

"Brooke-"

"This is all some sick, fucked up joke that everyone is playing on me so I would come back." I looked around the room. "Ok, where is everyone? Joke's over! You got me!" I said loudly

Lucas stood. "Brooke." He grabbed my shoulders. "This isn't a joke."

"No." I shook my head violently and pulled away from Lucas. "Stop it." Tears started to pour down my cheeks

Lucas took a step towards me, and I shoved him backwards.

"Tell me this is a dream." I said tearfully. "Tell me this is a fucking dream!" I screamed

Lucas shook his head, tears now on his face also. "This isn't a dream Brooke. You just need to breathe."

"Peyton." I sobbed. "Why?" I felt my body starting to go numb. "Why!" I screamed as I sank to the floor, sobbing hysterically as I hugged my knees to my chest

Lucas crouched next to me and tried to comfort me.

I can't accept that she's gone. I won't accept that she's gone.

Shooting up from the floor, I practically knocked Lucas over as I ran out of the house.

"Brooke! Where are you going?" Lucas shouted after me

Not answering him, I willed my legs to run faster.

Reaching Peyton's house, I ran up the stairs only to find that the front door was locked. The door is never locked.

Finding the spare key and rushing inside, I stop denying reality when I reached Peyton's room.

There was crime scene tape blocking the door, but I paid no attention to it as I ripped it off the doorframe and walked slowly into what was once my best friend's bedroom; a room which was practically mine as well. The bloodstain on the bed made my stomach turn, and I couldn't believe that my life would be moving on without her.

"Oh my God." I choked out and put a hand over my mouth

I felt my knees give out beneath me, but instead of falling roughly to the floor, I felt strong arms wrap around me to catch me.

Turning around, I wrapped my arms tightly around Lucas's neck, wanting,needing,to feel safe.

My best friend is dead.

Sinking to the floor, Lucas kept a tight hold on me as I screamed.

We stayed on Peyton's bedroom floor for a long time. I finally cried myself out, and I pulled out of the comfort that was Lucas.

"Why did she do it Lucas?" I asked, my voice a hoarse whisper from screaming and crying

Lucas shook his head. "I don't know Brooke."

Standing up, I looked around Peyton's room. I took in all of her 'freaky drawings', something that I made fun of her for, but loved so much.

"Are they done with this room? Like the police and all?" I asked

"Yeah." Lucas whispered

"Why didn't they clean this up? Did they decide to leave it here for everyone to walk in on? Don't they know that no one wants to see this?" I said angrily as I started crying and I pointed to the bed

Lucas and I both looked at each other as we heard the front door open, and it hit me that I was intruding somewhere I shouldn't be.

Walking past Lucas and out of the room, I found Larry Sawyer standing in the living room.

"Brooke! What are you doing here?" Larry asked me, probably surprised to see me in his house

"I'm sorry Papa Pey- Mr. Sawyer." I said, catching myself before I completed my nick-name for him, 'Papa Peyton'. "I'm so sorry for intruding."

Making eye contact, Larry and I both saw the same thing in each other's eyes; pain and loss.

Running across the room, I threw my arms around Larry's neck, and he immediately returned the embrace. We both cried for Peyton; he lost his daughter, I lost my world.

"Have you seen her, umm…her room?" Larry asked me when the embrace broke

"I was just in there." I whispered

"I need to see it." Larry said

"We're just going to go." I said to Larry and started to walk towards Lucas

"Ok. Thank you for stopping by." Larry said, glancing in a daze towards Peyton's room. "Peyton would have been happy to know that you care."

I shot Lucas a heartbroken look, and he just looked away with tears in his eyes. Going back over to Larry and I gave him one last hug before Lucas and I left the house.

* * *

Walking back towards Lucas' house in silence, there was a rumble of thunder in the sky. I looked up to see that the sky was dark and haunting, threatening to burst at any moment. It was an oddly fitting setting for the situation that I found myself and the others in.

I don't understand why Peyton felt that things were so bad she needed to take her life. I don't understand anything right now except that a part of my heart is missing, and there is not an obvious reason why it was ripped away from me. Peyton was always such a strong girl. She was the one who was always together when I was a mess. We've helped each other through so much in our lives, and I don't see what was so bad that I couldn't help her through this time.

Why Peyton; why couldn't you just pick up the phone and call me? I would have been back in a heartbeat if I had known you were in so much pain.

"You ok?" Lucas asked softly, pulling me out of my thoughts

"Yeah." I sniffled, not even realizing that I had been crying again. "This is just…it's just so unreal."

"I know."

I looked over at Lucas, and really noticed him for the first time. He looked like shit. I don't think that he slept at all since he found out about Peyton.

"How are you doing Luke?" I asked and placed a hand gently on his arm

Lucas shook his head. "Not too good Brooke. I haven't gotten much rest since…well, you know."

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at Lucas horrified. "You found her, didn't you? You were the one to find Peyton."

Lucas sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I was."

"I am so sorry."

"I wish I could say that it was ok, but there is nothing right now that is ok. I know that is horrible to think, and that we should find a way to get past this, but-"

"It's all too much to get over right now." I finished in a whisper

Lucas offered me a smile and I returned it half-heartedly. I opened my mouth to say something, and the sky opened up, interrupting me by unleashing a downpour of rain.

"Perfect." I muttered

Lucas looked at me, and stifled a laugh.

"What?" I whined

"Nothing. Come on, let's get home and get dried off." Lucas said and shook his head as he began walking towards his house

Before following Lucas, I glanced up at the sky.

Can you hear me P. Sawyer? I can't believe that you're gone. You're my best friend Goldilocks, and I'll never forget you. I never told you this enough, but I love you. I can't believe that you're gone.

Smiling up at the sky, the rain hitting my face, in some weird way, I knew that Peyton could hear me.

* * *

After Lucas and I got back to his house, he took a quick shower and I quietly waited for him to get done. Sitting in his room, I looked around, my eyes falling on Lucas' mirror where he had some pictures stuck to the sides. Standing up, I made my way over to the mirror and stifled a sob as I saw a picture of me, Lucas, and Peyton.

Taking the picture off the mirror, I sat back on Lucas' bed and gently traced my finger over the tiny image of Peyton.

"Are you ok?" Lucas asked me softly

I glanced up to see Lucas standing in the doorway, smiling gently at me.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I wiped the tears from my eyes. "You done in the bathroom?"

"All yours."

"Thanks." I stood up and set the picture down on the bed.

Walking past Lucas, I went into the bathroom and started a hot bath.

* * *

Back in Lucas' room, Lucas sighed as he heard the bathroom door shut and the water turn on, and he made his way over to his bed. Picking up the picture that Brooke had set down, Lucas closed his eyes as he felt the tears coming again.

"You're missed Peyton. More than you could have ever imagined." He whispered as he set the picture back down and made his way to the kitchen

* * *

**Hi Everyone. I'm sorry that it took a little while for me to get this chapter out, but it was so damn hard to write. Thank you for everyone's support with this story. It means so much to me that people are reading it. I know that it is such a hard subject, and I appreciate everyone giving it a chance. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews; it's what keeps me writing. I'll hopefully have the next chapter done soon, but I'm not sure how long. Like I said, this is a hard story to write! **

**I said it in the beginning, and I will say it again- suicide is _NOT_ the answer. If you are considering it, _please_ get help. If you need someone to talk to, you can feel free to e-mail me. I've been in that place, and I know that it helps to talk to someone who can relate. My e-mail address can be found in my profile, I think. If you don't want to talk to a stranger over e-mail, I understand, butplease find someone you can talk to.**


	5. Anger Mixed with Sadness Part 1

**Hi Everyone! I am so sorry that it took so long to update! I had a serious case of writer's block for this chapter. Jake was a hard character to capture. I honestly dont know how Jake would react, but I hope in some way this fits. There will be a part two to this chapter, and I promise the updatewont take nearly as long as this one did. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. It means so much to me, and I hope that you continue to read this story.**

* * *

Brooke walked out of the bathroom to find Lucas seated at the kitchen table, his hands wrapped around a coffee mug. 

Lucas looked up when he saw Brooke enter the room. "Hey. I made coffee."

"Ok." Brooke said as she poured herself a mug

"How was your bath?" Lucas asked softly as Brooke sat next to him at the table

"Nice. Thanks." Brooke smiled as she pulled her legs onto the chair and rested her head on her knees. "Have you told anyone else?"

"Nathan and Haley. I called Jake and he's on his way home. I didn't tell him about, umm…about what happened."

"Is Haley coming home too?"

Lucas looked at Brooke, confused, and then realized the brunette didn't know that Haley had returned to Tree Hill. "Haley's home."

Brooke said straight up. "What?"

"She came back to Tree Hill the night you left." Lucas ran his hand through his short hair

"I want to see her. And Nathan. Can they come over?" Brooke asked, a hopeful look on her face

"Brooke, it's been a long day and…" Lucas sighed when Brooke's expression fell. "Yeah. I'll call them."

"Thanks Luke." Brooke smiled genuinely for the first time since arriving back in Tree Hill

"Anything for you." Lucas whispered

* * *

_**JAKE'S P.O.V.**_

I don't really know what I was thinking when I bought the motorcycle now roaring underneath me, drowning out everything, including most of my thoughts. The only thing that I can dwell on is the serious matters in life, and I wish that the noise of the bike would drown that out too. Sighing, I gave into the thoughts that have been haunting me

I want more than anything to find my daughter, to know that she is safe. I want to put Nikki behind bars for the shit that she has pulled concerning out little "family".

I want to go home to Peyton.

I meant what I said to Peyton; about it being me, Jenny, and now her. But sometimes things don't go as planned. Nikki kidnapping Jenny while I was in jail was definitely not something that I could have ever imagined happening. But it did, and I left Peyton to find my daughter. When we parted, I could see the hope die in Peyton's eyes as we shared one last look. I know she thought that I was leaving forever. Seeing her look so helpless made me more determined to find Jenny and come back home to Peyton; to be a family.

Although losing Jenny was the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with, it was followed closely with leaving the person I love behind. If there was some way I could have taken Peyton with me, I would have. This time I have to fight alone; I have to fight my own battle.

Lucas called me and told me that I needed to come home. He said it was about Peyton. From the way he sounded, the desperation in his voice, I don't see how it is a good thing. It scares me not knowing what is going on, especially since Lucas wouldn't tell me any details over the phone. I'm not sure that I want to go back to Tree Hill to find out what is going on. I cant stand the thought of something bad happening to someone else I love.

Why do bad things continue to happen to those that mean the most to me?

* * *

"I talked to Haley." Lucas said as he joined Brooke in the living room 

"And?"

"They're on their way."

Brooke nodded and rested her head back on the sofa. Lucas sat watching her from his position in the chair next to the couch.

"Why are you staring at me Broody?" Brooke asked when she felt his gaze on her

Lucas chuckled. "Sorry."

"You should be. It's not nice to stare." Brooke joked and sat up to look at Lucas

Lucas smiled. "How much do I owe you for the plane ticket?"

Brooke waved her hand. "I put it on my dad's credit card. Don't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" Lucas asked skeptically

"Yep." Brooke nodded

"You getting along with your parents?"

"I haven't seen them since I moved out there. Then again I was only there for a day before I came back here."

"It's crazy to think that you left Tree Hill 3 days ago."

"Yeah, well it's crazy to think that Peyton was alive 3 days ago." Brooke said, a rush of emotion in her voice

"Brooke-"

"No Lucas. Everything changed 3 days ago. Nothing will ever be the same."

"You cant go back Brooke." Lucas whispered

"But I want to." Brooke said, tearing up. "I just wish I could go back and tell my parents that I was staying with Peyton no matter what they said. This wouldn't have happened if I had stayed."

"You don't know that. We don't know what made Peyton do what she did. It might not have made a difference if you had stayed in Tree Hill." Lucas said, trying to comfort the once cheery brunette

"She felt alone." Brooke whispered. "Jake left, I left, Haley's been gone, Nathan was about to leave, she still missed her mom to this Day…she killed herself because she was scared of being alone."

"How-"

"I was her best friend for many years. Peyton was always scared of being alone; of being left behind. She could deal when people left one-by-one, but we all left at the same time. I should have known."

Lucas moved to the couch and took Brooke into his arms. "There's no way you could have known Brooke. There's nothing you could have done to stop this."

"Why didn't she call me? Why didn't she ask me to come home? Why didn't she tell me that she was feeling so bad that she was thinking about suicide? Why…God." Brooke sobbed

"I don't know Brooke. I don't know."

Lucas held Brooke, wishing he could take away her pain. Brooke clung tightly to Lucas, glad there was someone there for her to find some form of comfort in. Pulling back, Brooke looked into Lucas' eyes.

"Lucas, I-"

Brooke was interrupted by the doorbell, and she shared a small, sad smile with Lucas before they stood from the couch.

"I'll get it. You stay here." Lucas said

"Ok."

Lucas left the living room to answer the door, and a moment later Haley rushed into the room.

"Brooke." Haley said simply as she spotted the girl sitting on the couch

"Haley." Brooke said as she jumped up and met Haley in the middle of the room where they threw their arms around each other and began to cry

* * *

Nathan and Lucas stood back, and when the girls made no move to break their embrace, Lucas tapped Nathan's shoulder and pointed to the kitchen. Nodding, Nathan took one last look at Brooke and Haley and followed Lucas. 

"What's up?" Nathan asked as he leaned against the counter

"I just wanted to give Brooke and Haley a chance to be alone." Lucas sighed as he dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. "How's Haley?"

"She's been better. I think that we've all been better. Peyton meant a lot to us all."

"There's still one person who doesn't know."

"Who?"

Lucas met Nathan's gaze with a frown. "Jake."

* * *

'Now entering Tree Hill'. What exactly am I entering into? It shouldn't have taken me so long to get home, but for some reason I took every detour I could manage. The longer I stayed away, the less worried I got. 

Now my worry is back in full force.

Pulling up to Lucas', I turned off my engine and took off the ridiculous helmet I got to go along with my ridiculous bike. Sitting there, looking up at the house, I took a few deep breaths as I tried to brace myself for whatever news it was that I was about to find out.

Walking up to the house, I knocked on the door. Everything in me wanted to turn and run away, but I have to know what is going on. A few seconds later, Lucas opened the door.

"Jake. Hey man." Lucas greeted with a tight smile

"Lucas, what's going on?" I asked, getting right to the point

"Come on in." Lucas said and opened the door wider and stepped aside to let me in

Slowly, almost cautiously, I stepped into the house. Looking around as I walked into the living room, my eyes took in Nathan sitting in a chair and Brooke and Haley sharing the couch.

"Hey guys." I said and sat down before something hit me. "Wait. Haley, you're supposed to be in New York, and Brooke, aren't you supposed to be in California?"

The girls, who were sitting closely on the couch shared a look. Brooke looked at me with tear-filled eyes, while Haley just looked at her hands.

"Jake-" Brooke started, but I quickly noticed something else

"Where's Peyton?" I asked, my heart pounding

Brooke looked at Lucas, who nodded.

What the hell is going on?

"Peyton's dead Jake. She killed herself." Brooke said bluntly, but softly

The harsh words rung hollow, my brain not fully receiving the information. Peyton is dead. Her best friend is sitting here telling me she took her own life. For some reason, it doesn't sound so devastating coming from Brooke. Then it hits me, and I realize that it hurts even more hearing it from Peyton's best friend.

"Oh." I said simply, at a loss for anything intelligent to say

Lucas came and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You ok?"

I looked up at him from my seat with skeptical eyes. "Yeah Luke. I'm great. How are you?" I asked, sarcasm marring my words

"Jake, please." Haley said barely above a whisper

"Please what? Act like everything is ok?" I laughed bitterly. "I love Peyton, and now you are telling me that she's gone. I'd say that things are far from ok."

"Dude, we all cared for Peyton. It's not going to help anyone being angry." Nathan said

I looked at him with a raised brow. "You cared for her? There's no way you know how I feel right now."

Nathan sighed in defeat when he realized there was no point in arguing with me.

"I do." Brooke said

"How the hell-"

"She was my best friend for almost 10 years Jake. I might not love her the same way you do, but to be honest, the bond that we had ran way deeper than the one you had. Stop trying to belittle how we feel just because of your relationship with her." Brooke exploded

"Stop it!" Haley yelled, shooting evil looks and me and Brooke. "Peyton is dead, and you two have the nerve to fight over who should be more upset? It's sick. Peyton was a friend to all of us, no matter how close we were, and now she's gone. Get over yourselves, because we are all shocked and hurt and angry and sad at where we all are right now. Jesus people; stop being selfish for two minutes."

"That's funny, coming from you and all." I spat at Haley before the words processed in my head

"Up. Now." Nathan said, angry, as he stood out of his chair and approached mine

Sighing, I stood up and walked out the front door followed closely by Nathan and Lucas.

"Well if it isn't the Scott brothers." I said, venom dripping from my voice as I turned around to face the stony faces of Nathan and Lucas

"What the fuck is your problem man?" Lucas asked as he put a hand to Nathan's chest to stop him from coming at me

"My problem?" I scoffed. "My child is gone, my girlfriend is dead, and you ask me what my problem is?"

"I think that you need to sit down and think for a minute Jake." Nathan said

"And I think that I need a beer. I cant deal with this." I said as I hopped on my bike and rode off to find a bar

* * *

Lucas and Nathan both took a deep breath to steady their breathing, and then they turned to look at each other. 

"It's going to be a long night." Nathan said

"It's going to be a long couple days, if not weeks or longer." Lucas said sadly as he turned to walk back into the house


	6. Anger Mixed with Sadness Part 2

_**JAKE'S P.O.V.**_

"Give me another." I said to the bartended, holding my shot glass up for emphasis

Nodding, the bartended poured my shot and set it in front of me. Downing it immediately, my chest began to burn as the liquor made it's way down my stomach.

Lucas, Nathan, Brooke, and Haley have no idea what they are talking about. They have no idea how it feels to be told that the person you love is dead. They don't know how it feels to have your heart split in two.

Tracing circles around the edge of my shot glass, I glanced up to look at the clock. My breath caught in my throat as I saw a familiar head of curly blonde hair and a familiar face smiling sadly at me.

I blinked and the illusion was gone.

Peyton is dead. She's really gone, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I have no one left except the people I just treated like shit.

"Last call!" The bartended called out

Throwing some money onto the bar, I exited to dingy place, hopped on my motorcycle, and drove to the only place that I might be able to find comfort.

* * *

"What's up man?" Nathan asked curtly as he opened the door to Lucas' house

I ran a hand through my hair. "Can I come in?" I slurred

Nathan squinted and looked at me closely. "Are you drunk?"

I nodded my head slowly.

"I don't think that it's a good idea for you to come inside right now." Nathan said and walked onto the patio, shutting the door behind him. "I'll take you somewhere to sleep this off."

"No…but…I want to see everyone. I cant…I don't…Nate. Man, I don't want to be alone." I began to cry for the first time since I heard about Peyton's death

I don't know how long I stood there crying, or when someone threw their arms around me, or when I collapsed to the floor as my sobs racked my body, but I remember looking up into soft brown eyes.

"It's ok Jake. We're all here." Haley said as she wrapped her arms around me once more

"I'm so sorry Haley." I cried into her hair

"It's ok." Haley comforted softly

"This cant be happening." I sobbed, the harsh reality setting in

As Haley and I clung to each other on the floor, Brooke cried into Lucas shoulder as Lucas wrapped one arm around her, the other hand set on his brother's shoulder.

A new bond was formed between us. The five of us once made up a group of six, and as hard as it might be, we had to accept that one of us had fallen, leaving the rest of us to move on without her.

* * *

**Thank you all for being patient with this story. It is really hard to write, and it takes a lot out of me. I'm sorry that this chapter was so short, but I promise I will update again soon. Summer school is almost over, and I will have a lot of time to complete this. The offer to talk always stands if anyone needs to vent or open up to someone. Just e-mail me. : )**


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